Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
