You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
