You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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