I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
