I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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