; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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