Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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