i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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