I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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