Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
