The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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