hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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