wrigley field is MILF paradise
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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