Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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