my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
