I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
