Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
