ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
