Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
