just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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