So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
