those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
