I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Acid is not a monday night drug
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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