I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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