I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
