Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
