Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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