I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
