I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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