My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
