yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
