I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
