The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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