What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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