Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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