if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
