if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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