Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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