I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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