Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
