WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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