that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
