I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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