Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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