I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
