I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
