I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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