Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
