i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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