all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
