You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
