i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
