Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
