Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
