They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
