I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
