Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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