yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
