my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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