I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
