if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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